Metallurgists hail the discovery of
Iron as one of the most important dates in history. Like many
early technological advances, Iron changed the way men fought
their neighbors. The last kid on the block to get his Iron helmet
usually didn't need one, for he was dead - a result of local Iron
warefare testing. Although the first uses of Iron were
found in warfare and Neighborhood peace watches, Iron soon found
its place as an important milestone in the history of modern civilization.
But that's not why we are here. We're here to hear the tale
of Scabby. In a time long ago. Before Iron.
In the Age before Iron there was the
Age of Bronze. Before the Age of Bronze there as the Age of Spandex.
Before the Age of Spandex, there was the Age of Cardboard. Before
the Age of Cardboard, there was the Age of Really Hairy Skin.
It is during this age, the Age of Really Hairy Skin that
there lived a foolish young executive campaign manager named Scabby.
Scabby lived in the village of Buttpus,
so named after a non-fatal yet horrifically uncomfortable skin
irritation that plagued the village for one hundred years before
the village leader, Pokahomo, discovered that the cure
was to remove the rusty nails from the undersides of the chairs
(made from, of course, really hairy skin). It was in this
era of Post-Buttpus enlightment that Pokahomo said to the young
Scabby, "Scabby, my term is up this month and I need some
good media coverage of my discovery to be re-elected. I need
you to invent the Campaign to spread the word about my
victories." And Scabby agreed, because now that the
village no longer needed a pus-boy he was out of work and in of
Scabby set to work on developing the
first marketable campaign, and paved the way for modern
campaign managers by inventing the first, very rudimentary campaign
concepts such as: The Lie, Mudslinging, More Lying, Baby-kissing,
Better Lying, Promises and its ever popular cousin Broken Promises.
All of these techniques did not come to Scabby overnight, nay,
even the very simplest of these took months to define and develop.
For example, Scabby's first campaign
technique, the Lie came to him not because he thought of it, but
because he first set about market-testing the idea of The Truth,
a concept that he was already somewhat familiar with. One
fine morning, Scabby ate some breakfast, screwed up his courage,
combed his skin and went to visit his village neighbors Grubkram
and his woman Betsy. Grubkram was a large fellow,
who was constantly covered with layers of previous meals, streaming
down from his mouth and down around his back to his bum. Betsy
was a lovely woman, with absolutely gigantic hands with which
she could feed her man. Scabby approached the den of the two,
who were outside burying the remains of some tasty animal. Scabby
figured the meal must have been good, because all that remained
of the animal was an economy-size sphincter. Ah, thought
Scabby, a Mammoth. He approached Grubkram and Betsy and
said in his finest, truthful-est voice, "Betsy, why do
you bury Mammoth brown-ring? Did you not know that Grubkram's
favorite food is sphincter? I have seen Grubkram come out to
un-bury sphincter, dust off worm people and eat with gusto."
Betsy eyed her husband: "Grubkram,
you know village rules about Mammoth sphincter! Causes blindness
and madness! I must kill you now before you infect all!"
Betsy was forced to kill her husband and dismember
his bloated corpse. Later, as a result of loneliness, she became
ill and died. Scabby was disturbed and went to see his mentor.
"Pokahomo, I am afraid Betsy
and Grubkram are dead because of new campaign idea - The
Truth. The truth hurts and kills"
"Scabby, I see you have at least
been busy. And lo, I am besaddened at the loss of two registered
voters, but we must perservere in the name of Pokahomo. Let me
recommend that, since Truth Kills, you try NonTruth."
bleated Pokahomo sagely.
On his way home through the Forest of
Shit, Scabby immediately began to see the possibilities with the
NonTruth policy. Why, you could say anything you wanted, as long
as it wasn't the Truth. How flexible. Scabby stopped by Betsy's
parents home and proceeded to tell his First Lie. He approached
the door and rung the skullbell. Betsy's mom answered the door.
Betsy's mom was little nearsighted and more than a little deaf,
given that a sabre-toothed pelican had removed the top half of
her head at a very young age, causing the other village children
to make fun of her and call her names like "Old Headless"
and "That Blind Bitch". Through shouting and
waving Scabby was able to convey to Betsy's mom that Betsy was
the first beneficiary of the new lottery system that Fearless
Leader Pokahomo had set up. Betsy would now be living on a tropical
island, but Scabby couldn't say where exactly, to protect the
innocent. Betsy's parents were overjoyed at the news and they
invited Scabby in and fed him dinner -- ferret Sphincter with
a touch of boullion and a carrot jammed through it - Scabby's
Scabby resumed his trek home, and was
gratified by the thought that the "NonTruth" technique
had worked so well. Pokahomo truly was genius. He reflected
that, tomorrow, he would begin work on another technique, one
he'd been toying with for a while. He was going to call it "Genocide
and Political Gain."